I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
Randomize
