I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
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I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
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I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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