I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
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