I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
