he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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