my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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