Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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