If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
As soon as he came we went to Dairy Queen. That drive through lady was very condescending about our "just fucked" ice cream.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
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