a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
Randomize
