when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
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