i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
