Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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