Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
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