I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
