Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
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