I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
