Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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