Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Randomize
