how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
3 2 1 whiskey
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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