Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
