i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Randomize
