miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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