am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Walk of Shame today included voting.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Randomize
