I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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