i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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