She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Randomize
