She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Randomize
