took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
And then he peed in my hair
Randomize
