Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
