My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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