i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
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We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
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He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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