I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Im part way to drunk.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize