If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
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