The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
