She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
