I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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