Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
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My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
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I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
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