I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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