I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Also we're getting drunk and sledding down Caroline street. See you soon.
Randomize
