Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
