A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Randomize
