He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I am mentally ready for anal.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
