FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
