Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I just found puke in my bra..
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
