did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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