Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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