you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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