You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
