I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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