so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books