Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
Randomize
