p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
