I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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