U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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