I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
