You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
Randomize
