I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
Randomize
