I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
